i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
