speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
