thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
