Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
