There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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