The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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