i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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