I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
