Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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