grandma shit on top of the toilet
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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