I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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