Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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