she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
