Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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