i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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