East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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