You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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