I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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