My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
