told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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