i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
