I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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