tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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