whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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