Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
