There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
