Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
