I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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