its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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