Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I had to cum in my sink.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
