mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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