So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
