He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
