My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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