I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
