Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
