You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
