Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
