Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
