I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
worst night to have a conscience
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So many bounce houses so little time
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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