Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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