But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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