Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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