I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Houston, we have a squirter
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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