If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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