I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
