I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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