Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
