shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
