I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
