I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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